Nov. 20, 2001 -- After the most stressful fall in recent memory, it's time for Thanksgiving. Will we find healing in the hearts of our families? Or will our too-high expectations -- and higher stress levels -- rip open the cracks in our relationships?

"This year many people are counting their blessings and re-evaluating what is important to them," stress and trauma expert Mark I. Levy, MD, tells WebMD. "Family relationships are at the top of the list. On the other hand, we are operating at a higher level of stress than is normal."

This is likely to spell trouble for some people, warns Jennifer Pollitt Hill, MSW, director of public education for the National Mental Health Association.

"We do anticipate higher levels of holiday blues this year," Pollitt Hill tells WebMD. "It varies from person to person depending on personality and circumstances. A lot of this will be due to September 11 events adding to what people feel each year: stress, fatigue, unrealistic expectations of holiday gatherings, financial constraints, and strained family relationships."

For the thousands of families that lost loved ones in the attacks on America, this will be the first holiday with an empty seat at the table. It will also be a difficult holiday for the many families with members whose military duties put them in peril far from home. Those not in these categories, however, may feel that they have no reason to feel anything but joy -- and will be especially lost if this isn't the case.

"If folks who are not in the loss category do get the holiday blues, it is going to be intensified," Pollitt Hill says. "People with unrealistic expectations think that just because it's the holidays, you are not allowed to be sad or down. It is just not realistic to think every day is going to be a wonderful holiday activity. Strained family relations get heightened because we have that expectation of the Norman Rockwell family sitting around the Thanksgiving table. If you don't get along, that picture of what family life should be like heightens the pain."

It's not hard to imagine the wrong ways to deal with a less-than-perfect family. Self-medication with alcohol is probably the worst.

"Incendiary devices such as alcohol can really ignite a lot of conflict," says Levy, psychotherapist and assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco. "That is always a problem at holidays -- and what is intended to be a happy occasion can quickly go the other way. If there was ever a particular time to watch that and go easy with a drink, this year is it."

Families always are packed with expectations. We often are angry at one another for failing to live up to our ideals. This year may be a particularly good opportunity to set this anger aside. How? Reconciliation.

"Any family would be well served to spend a moment talking about how important each of the family members are to each other," Levy suggests. "Maybe it would even be possible to touch on matters that are important but maybe have been kept up under the rug. That is always potentially a good thing to do, although it can upset the apple cart. But you have to do it with a full deck, not half soused."

Everett L. Worthington, PhD, chairs the psychology department at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond. He's the author of the recently published book, Five Steps to Forgiveness: The Art and Science of Forgiving.

"This year, I would say that there is a recognition that things aren't always going to stay the way they have been," Worthington tells WebMD. "It would be good to get more relationships reconciled if there is a breach."

Like Levy, Worthington warns that reconciliation isn't something to tackle willy-nilly. In fact, sometimes it's better to do nothing more than to be a sensitive, responsive, caring family member on your own.

"Most reconciliation happens because people just do things together," he says. "The other strategy is where people actually talk about the issues. In a way, that is not for everybody. If this is done without tact or sophistication -- the way a lot of people might approach it -- that might cause a bigger breach. You have to know when and how to reconcile."

Worthington has some advice for those who want to give it a shot. He speaks of reconciliation as building a bridge over the gap that divides you from others -- one plank at a time.

• Decide whether, how, and when to reconcile.
• Detoxify. Poison has built up in the relationship -- let it out. Work to repair the damage that has been done.
• Don't just do damage control. Build positive events back into the relationship.
• Discuss things in a way that doesn't trigger an emotional outburst. Usually a problem comes about because people feel a trust has been betrayed. A good first approach would be to ask the other person to help you understand the problem from their point of view. Don't meet this answer with denial -- "No way I did that" -- but instead give reasons for your actions. This doesn't mean to make excuses -- it means to confess.

Here's an easy way to follow that last point:

C is for confess.
O is for offer an apology.
N is for note the other person's pain.
F is forever value the other person.
E is for equalize. (Ask "Is there anything I can do to make up?")
S is for say you'll try never to do it again.
S is for seek forgiveness.

"You can't build a bridge by starting in the middle," Worthington says. "You have to start with each person beginning on one side and working toward the other. Somebody has to put that first plank down on one side. You can keep looking at that gulf and saying 'Too bad there's so much distance between us,' or you can do something about it. Somebody has to take that risk."